First Floor Living

"Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place." Psalm 51:6

You know, I have read this verse multiple times, but it is hitting me afresh in this new phase in my life. God is taking me through an unprecedented time of uprooting lies, darkness, and strongholds in the deepest parts of me. I was telling a friend today that I feel like His garden and He is tilling up every single, little bitty inch of soil in me. About two weeks ago He had me in such bewilderment that spiritually and emotionally I simply didn't know which way was up. As Brenda (my counselor) put it, I didn't feel like I had a place to land. I was confused and astonished at the depths of what I saw in myself.

You see, a few weeks back Brenda told me she thought God was leading us to start exploring how I felt about what happened to Gabi and how that made me feel about Him. Although I wasn't really excited about delving into the pain of losing my first child all over again, I really didn't expect to find what I did. I thought that I was pretty healed and had found my peace with God, but man, He showed me some deep-seated belief issues that have developed from my pain. Issues that I didn't even know were there! Crazy. And these issues are keeping me from where God wants me now--emotionally, spiritually, and where I've seen it the most, relationally.

Did you hear that? Something hidden and unacknowledged in my deepest places was recklessly playing itself out in my life. And if left unchecked, it will continue to undermine every relationship and taint everything I try to do with the LORD. I will continue to hit the same wall, have the same frustrations, and fight the same discouraging fights.

I like the way that Brenda explains it. She says when difficult events happen in our lives, a lot of times we stuff our emotions and questions and feelings down into the basement of ourselves. And then we proceed to live on the first floor. We're going about life just fine, thinking all is dandy all the time living in denial of our deepest hurts and pains. We are, in effect, separated from our true selves. Extraordinary.

Well, you know how I feel about authenticity, so when I found out I had a basement filled with junk I wasn't confronting and dealing with, I made a decision to sweep it out. I asked God to shine light on every dark place in me. I wanted Jesus, the Truth, to dwell in the deepest places of me. I wanted to not only let myself in to see what was down there, I wanted to let Jesus in to heal it so I could be more whole for myself and my family and more effective for Him. And like I said, what I found ain't perty.

So, yes, I am a tilled-up garden. Yes, He is showing me the lies and doubt that have grown up like weeds around me. But, PRAISE HIS NAME, he is systematically and lovingly yanking out those weeds and beginning to replace them with seeds of truth and faith. He is amazing!

So, my question to you is. . .is there a wall you seem to keep hitting in your relationships either with God or with other people? Are you fighting the same battle you've been fighting for years? (I guess that's two questions.) Maybe a trip down to your basement is in order. Would you be willing to ask Him to shine light on your dark places knowing that He is faithful to heal them? I'll be the first to tell you that it's not easy or pleasant; in fact, it's extremely uncomfortable. But, I think it's worth it.

And, gals, when He reveals those ugly places to us, don't you dare let the enemy wrap you up in shame for there is NO CONDEMNATION for us who are lovers of Jesus (Rom. 8:1)! God reveals so that we can repent and heal, not so we can beat ourselves up. We must own what's down there and then lay it at the feet of Christ. It may sound something like, "God, I am having a tough time believing that you love me because of. . . Please help me with that. Guide me and show me what to do now." And then watch for His instruction. And you know what? If your basement looks anything like mine and you're having a tough time dealing with what you find, don't feel bad about having to find a good Christian counselor. Sometimes we need help from someone wiser; I think that's okay.

Girls, don't be afraid of what's down there. Be afraid of living a life separated from your true self and from your true God. It will cripple you.

Father God, give us the courage to ask you to shine light on our darkness. We need You to invade every part of us if we're ever going to consistently walk the full life You call us to. We love You and we trust You with every part of us. Thank You for being willing to get Your hands dirty in our lives. Amen.