A 151 Heart

Happy Thursday! You're almost done with your work week! Woohoo!!

Thank you all for your kind words and concerns about Cooper. He is doing much better this week. However, I wasn't until a few days ago. Those of you who have children--have you ever noticed that? Your child has an issue that brings him to shoulder-heaving sobs, but he has moved on by mid-afternoon while you're left in a downward spiraling whirlpool of worry and discouragement? Not fair, I say. NOT FAIR! However, I'd rather me be left dealing with it than him. I don't have to like it, though.

I tend to do that. . .wallow. Anyone else? Do I have any Pity Party attenders out there? What is up with that, anyway? Why is it so difficult to take God at His word and rest in His promises of provision and security? What is it about us that must constantly turn a molehill into a mountain? To take a problem, dissect it like an 8th grade lab frog and lament over the complexities of sewing it back together? Why do we do this?

As I was ruminating over Cooper's hypothetical school issues, God was already at work safeguarding his heart. Sunday morning at about 3 a.m. Coop woke up wailing that scared "Mommy!" scream all moms hate to hear. As I slouched onto his bed, he reported that he had a bad dream. I think he was stuck in a barrel (stupid Super Mario Brothers Wii game). I reassured him, prayed over him, and after he begged Satan to return to Jesus, he drifted off to a sweet slumber. I thought. He woke me again to tell me he just had a good dream. Awesome! Though reassured, I wasn't thrilled about being jostled awake for happy news. If I get woken up at 3:30 a.m. someone better be in imminent danger--real or imagined. We thanked God for better dreams and quickly fell asleep. Then. . .he had the nerve to rouse me a 3rd time. As I was preparing a speech in my head detailing the benefits of sleep, he announced that in this dream he was a spy peering into Heaven. Suddenly, it didn't matter that it was 4:00 in the morning.

"Mommy, I was a spy and I was looking into Heaven and Satan and Jesus were fighting. Satan was saying, 'I'm giving Cooper bad dreams!' and Jesus was saying, 'I'm giving Cooper good dreams!' Then I typed in my spy thing (fingers typing air guitar style) and I said, 'I want to see Jesus close up.' Then it zoomed into His heart and I saw power! There was power in His heart. It said 151 and 151!"

By the way, Cooper's idea of a huge amount is 151, so the fact that Jesus had that total squared is a big deal. I am convinced that Jesus spoke to Cooper through that dream that night, telling him that the Almighty is with him all the time, fighting for his little self. But, honestly, I think it did more to encourage me than it did Coop. In all of my imagined fears, God was saying, "Misti, chill out. I've got him." I should have been immediately ripped out of my emotional funk, but I'm stubborn. Hey. . .keep your "amens" to yourself.

Yesterday, as I, still emotionally weary, was putting Coop to bed he revealed during our nightly talking time that something had "hurt him on the inside a little" today at school. I'm thinking, "Guh. . .I don't know how much more my emotions can handle. Leave my little boy alone!" It seems another little girl--what is it with these girls?--laughed at Coop because his favorite color is red, a color that she had decided was a girls' color. She actually pointed at him and laughed. Really? I mean, who does that? So, I asked Cooper how he responded.

"I just said in my head, That wasn't very nice. But it's okay because Jesus loves me!" He stated that he felt much better after that.

*sigh* I love You so much, Jesus. Thank you that he seems to be getting it even while I have no idea what I'm doing in this parenting thing.

And I don't. I think I have an aspect of it figured out and then Coop comes home with something that blows my theory out of the water. I can't seem to figure it out, or even stop worrying about figuring it out. But I'm learning that I don't have to have it all figured out. My comfort zone is in having everything tidily wrapped up with a neat little bow...If I can make sense of it, I can live with it. But to my disillusionment, God doesn't work that way. He is a day-by-day, moment-by-moment kind of God. And sometimes, He makes absolutely no sense.

Earlier this week Coop and I read about Abram in Genesis. . .how God just told him to leave his home and "go to the land [God] will show him." God didn't say, "Now, Abram, here's the plan. You're going to head towards Shechem. When you get there, build and altar and then head out to Bethel. You will eventually end up in Canaan. . .oh, nevermind. Let me draw you a map." No, He said, "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you. And do you know what Abram did? He went! I'm curious as to whether he was wondering what the heck God was up to. Did it make any kind of sense to Abram at all? It doesn't seem to matter because he obeyed. Can you imagine that conversation?

Abram: Alright, Sarai, Lot. . .pack up. We're heading out.
Sarai: Uh, where?
Abram: I don't know.
Sarai: Excuse me?
Abram: I don't know. . .I'm just doin' what I'm told.

I wish I were more like Abram, just doing what I'm told. But so often I find myself questioning God. Why? Where? Well, how long will it take? Who will be there? Is it gonna hurt? Can I take Lou with me?
And, unfortunately, something I have figured out (yey!) is that all my questioning isn't just an intelligent, inquisitive mind at work (boo!). It is unbelief. Period.

I question because I don't trust God's promise that He will take care of me (Ps. 23). I don't trust that I'm going to be okay because God is with me wherever I go (Jos. 1:9). I say I believe Him with my mouth, but so often my actions betray me.

Unbelief. Yuck.

Today, like the demon-possessed boy's father in the gospels, I'm asking for God to help me overcome my unbelief. No more worrying. No more fretting. No more having to have everything figured out so I can have peace to move on. No more. I must start finding peace in God's love and care, not my ability to make sense of it all.

Cooper is right--Jesus does have a heart full of power and it's about time I start trusting it.

Jesus, I confess my unbelief today. I'm sorry that I so often try to figure it all out. That's not the adventurous life you've called me to. Help me and my friends here to trust You moment-by-moment, even if we don't know what's around the corner. Empower us to be comfortable simply knowing that You do. Thank You, Jesus, for being trustworthy. We love you, Amen.