First Floor Living

"Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place." Psalm 51:6

You know, I have read this verse multiple times, but it is hitting me afresh in this new phase in my life. God is taking me through an unprecedented time of uprooting lies, darkness, and strongholds in the deepest parts of me. I was telling a friend today that I feel like His garden and He is tilling up every single, little bitty inch of soil in me. About two weeks ago He had me in such bewilderment that spiritually and emotionally I simply didn't know which way was up. As Brenda (my counselor) put it, I didn't feel like I had a place to land. I was confused and astonished at the depths of what I saw in myself.

You see, a few weeks back Brenda told me she thought God was leading us to start exploring how I felt about what happened to Gabi and how that made me feel about Him. Although I wasn't really excited about delving into the pain of losing my first child all over again, I really didn't expect to find what I did. I thought that I was pretty healed and had found my peace with God, but man, He showed me some deep-seated belief issues that have developed from my pain. Issues that I didn't even know were there! Crazy. And these issues are keeping me from where God wants me now--emotionally, spiritually, and where I've seen it the most, relationally.

Did you hear that? Something hidden and unacknowledged in my deepest places was recklessly playing itself out in my life. And if left unchecked, it will continue to undermine every relationship and taint everything I try to do with the LORD. I will continue to hit the same wall, have the same frustrations, and fight the same discouraging fights.

I like the way that Brenda explains it. She says when difficult events happen in our lives, a lot of times we stuff our emotions and questions and feelings down into the basement of ourselves. And then we proceed to live on the first floor. We're going about life just fine, thinking all is dandy all the time living in denial of our deepest hurts and pains. We are, in effect, separated from our true selves. Extraordinary.

Well, you know how I feel about authenticity, so when I found out I had a basement filled with junk I wasn't confronting and dealing with, I made a decision to sweep it out. I asked God to shine light on every dark place in me. I wanted Jesus, the Truth, to dwell in the deepest places of me. I wanted to not only let myself in to see what was down there, I wanted to let Jesus in to heal it so I could be more whole for myself and my family and more effective for Him. And like I said, what I found ain't perty.

So, yes, I am a tilled-up garden. Yes, He is showing me the lies and doubt that have grown up like weeds around me. But, PRAISE HIS NAME, he is systematically and lovingly yanking out those weeds and beginning to replace them with seeds of truth and faith. He is amazing!

So, my question to you is. . .is there a wall you seem to keep hitting in your relationships either with God or with other people? Are you fighting the same battle you've been fighting for years? (I guess that's two questions.) Maybe a trip down to your basement is in order. Would you be willing to ask Him to shine light on your dark places knowing that He is faithful to heal them? I'll be the first to tell you that it's not easy or pleasant; in fact, it's extremely uncomfortable. But, I think it's worth it.

And, gals, when He reveals those ugly places to us, don't you dare let the enemy wrap you up in shame for there is NO CONDEMNATION for us who are lovers of Jesus (Rom. 8:1)! God reveals so that we can repent and heal, not so we can beat ourselves up. We must own what's down there and then lay it at the feet of Christ. It may sound something like, "God, I am having a tough time believing that you love me because of. . . Please help me with that. Guide me and show me what to do now." And then watch for His instruction. And you know what? If your basement looks anything like mine and you're having a tough time dealing with what you find, don't feel bad about having to find a good Christian counselor. Sometimes we need help from someone wiser; I think that's okay.

Girls, don't be afraid of what's down there. Be afraid of living a life separated from your true self and from your true God. It will cripple you.

Father God, give us the courage to ask you to shine light on our darkness. We need You to invade every part of us if we're ever going to consistently walk the full life You call us to. We love You and we trust You with every part of us. Thank You for being willing to get Your hands dirty in our lives. Amen.

Hold On, Sister!

“Sweet little babies, it’s hard to understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing—
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…”
--“Glory Baby” by Watermark

A dear friend gave me the song above to listen to because it reminded her of our first child. Gabriela Faith is my sweet daughter who was stillborn on November 15, 2002. Although I know she is in Heaven and has escaped the pains and trials of this earth, up until very recently, that did very little to comfort me. To be honest with you, the sentiments expressed in the song above not only did not soothe me; they enraged me. I didn’t really believe that healing would come, and I wasn’t so sure God knew what He was doing when He let her slip away. His purposes seemed cruel and beyond any kind of reason.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

After Gabi passed away, I took a long journey through deep depression and fear. The darkest and scariest time in my life to date. As the months turned into years, I began to wonder if I would ever be happy. Healed. Whole. This past year marked the 5th anniversary of her death, and upon reflecting on her life, I realized that I had finally found some joy. Lots of it. My life is now characterized by passion for the Lord, for the life He has given me, and for what He is doing in the world around me. What had happened? What had changed me from a broken woman despairing of life to this gal lit aflame for the Lord?

I had hung on to Jesus for dear life. All I could see in my darkness was His hand gently pulling me forward, and I held on purely out of desperation. I tucked Psalm 119:45 deep into my heart as my promise. “I will walk about in freedom, for I have sought His precepts.” I had to believe that someday I would conquer the pain. Most of the time it wasn’t easy. Many times it was the most challenging thing I had ever done. But I had no choice. Either I hold on to Jesus or give up on life.

I suspect that I’ll never know the full extent of what God has done through Gabi’s life, but He has been so gracious as to show me the miracles that He has performed in me through her.

Chiefly, he has given me REAL joy, peace, and hope. What I had before Gabi was fake. It was what I could muster up within myself. God taught me through my new lack of self-sufficiency that He was the true Source of those qualities. Also, I did not know it, but I had become distant and somewhat unsympathetic to those around me because of my reaction to some experiences in my past. In having to let people help me, I learned to let them in and continue to learn how to love them well. By the way, this is still a work in progress! But, one of the coolest things that Gabi accomplished was God giving me my calling through her. In being stripped of all my pretenses and facades, I found freedom in simply being me. In being real. And God has ignited a passion in me to help other women find that same liberty. Simply put, He has given me all the things He has promised He would. Joy. Peace. Hope. Love. Purpose.

My life before the birth of my sweet daughter pales in comparison to the one I’m living now. Ladies, let’s hold on. Let’s trust God and His plan. It may be painful, and it may be the hardest thing we ever do, but can we hold on long enough to see God fulfill the promises He’s made to us? His word says that all His ways are faithful and loving towards us and that He’s working out everything for our good. Let’s choose to trust that and stick it out to see the miracles He performs.

“He has sent me to. . .bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.” Isaiah 61:1-3

Memory Verse: Romans 12:12 “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.”

God, thank you that you found enough worth in me to love me out of my imprisonment. Thank you for Gabi…please give her a big hug and “thank you” for me. It warms my heart to know that she accomplished her purpose in this life. Father, help us to hold on and trust you and your goodness. In Jesus’ name, amen.