Look! A poem!

I think God gave me this poem; I pray that it speaks to you. Have a wonderful week!

King of Kings

The background for defeat had been carefully set.
The enemy proclaiming, "I'll get them yet!
Their bodies are weak!
They shake to their core!
They have no hope
In this eternal war!

I'm much stronger and smarter and craftier than they.
Oooh. . .they make the perfect prey!
With their selfish hearts
And their lustful eyes
It will be so easy
To bring their demise!

Mount up, you spirits and minions of mine!
Let's make quick work of the deaf, dumb, and blind."

"Wait! What is that rumbling and roar that I hear?
Is it just me, or does it sound painfully near?"
Forced into silence
Frozen in place
The enemy is then
Brought face-to face

With the One who is called Faithful and True
Mounted majestically on His steed, too.
Holy eyes aflame
And Sword in hand
His glory too much
For evil to stand.

Satan's forced to his knees with his face in the mud
Now level with the hem of the robe dipped in blood.
A reminder of the day
Of his victory sweet
That ended too quickly
With bitter defeat.

Then the Holy of Holies opened His mouth
And the sweetest and fiercest of words sprang out.
"You mess with them
You mess with Me.
When you come after them
It's Me you'll see.

I go where they go; I am where they are.
You can try to advance but you won't get far.
So stalk all you want
And pursue if you must.
But you'll end up back here
With your face in the dust.

For they are my beloved. My sheep. My bride.
And under my protective wings they hide.
You can't get to them
Except through Me, you see.
And we both know
That before Me you must flee."

And in that instant, Satan did just that!
He tucked tail and ran in no time flat!
A cocky foe
So assured of a win
Was put in his place
By Jesus again.

So, why do I fear and why do I doubt?
This is MY king I've been talking about!
Satan attacks
He threatens and scares
He comes after me
With whatever he dares.

But Jesus continues to call and to stress
That He is my rock, my mighty fortress!
I am hidden, protected
The safest of girls.
For greater is He in me
Than he in the world!

This is your King, ladies. Don't ever let the enemy convince you that anything is impossible for you who are in Christ. You are covered by the King of Kings and Lord Of Lords. Rest in Him and He will assure your victory. I love y'all!

The Anger Bank

Up until very recently, I HATED going to the bank. Probably because it usually included us having to deal with some insufficient fund issue or problem with our account. It also reminded me just how desperately inept we were at handling our finances. However, two months ago we started attending Dave Ramsey classes. If you are looking for a way to get rid of debt, save for your future and kids' college, and get to a place where you're giving money away, this is the way to go! I actually have peace in this area like I've never had before and much of it has to do with the "envelope system" he suggests. At the beginning of the month, we pull out cash to pay for gas, groceries, toiletries, and the like and put them in designated envelopes. You only buy these things with this money. When the cash runs out, you don't eat or drive your car. Actually seeing your money being spent helps you spend less. It hurts much more when it's cash! We actually have enough money to last the entire month instead of running out halfway through. Anyway, now I LOVE going to the bank. Not only are we more financially stable, but I get to go and pull out a wad of cash! So much fun!

Well, y'all (yes, I'm from Texas and I will use that word even if it is not grammatically refined) have heard me mention time and again my tendency to be quick to anger. It's something that I've dealt with for a long time and have wondered where it all comes from. Well, Brenda (my counselor) has informed me that I possess an "anger bank". Funny that someone who used to hate visiting such a place would be lugging one around every day. It seems that many hurtful things were deposited into the vault as rejection or hurt but were withdrawn as anger. Did you know that anger is a secondary emotion? It develops from a hurt of some sort. Interesting. I just thought I was angry; I didn't know I was hurt.

So, now the task is to "drain the bank". Ugh! And if anger is not the real culprit, you know what is--the hurt. She has told me that we have to go in and "lance the wound". Drain the wound, drain the anger bank. We are presently embarking on that journey. It includes a lot of delving into my past, drudging up old pains, and digging into my true feelings about them. Amazingly, as hard as it has been at some points, I am experiencing God like I never have before. I'm actually hearing Him in my times with Him and He has opened my eyes to His movement in my life. I was so blinded for such a long time and now I am seeing for the first time that He is truly a God of love. For reasons I might divulge at a later time, I just couldn't believe that. I thought he was big, scary, selfish, and out to hurt me. And when hurtful events came to pass in my life, they fed that view and made it more believable. But, HALLELUJAH, He is shattering that warped picture of Himself.

I ran from counseling for a long time. My excuses were valid: we didn't have the money, or I was too busy with work and Cooper to invest the time. But, in taking this step that God led me to, He is proving faithful. It was a big step, and has taken some sacrifice, but I was just desperate enough. I finally arrived at a place where I was sick of living in defeat and letting Satan gain the victory over me. ENOUGH!I yelled within myself.

Ladies, are you there yet? Are you desperate for victory in a place you've struggled for years? Have you given up anywhere in your life? Has it just been too lengthy of a battle for you to really believe that you could conquer it? If you hear nothing else, here this:

It is your God's will for you to live in victorious freedom!

"No, in all things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." Romans 8:37

Nope, don't just quickly read over that and move on. Go back and read it again. More Than Conquerors! You are meant to triumph over your stuff (that's what I call it because the word "crap" doesn't seem appropriate for a devotional). Do you remember the woman who bled for 12 straight years? Do you think she was desperate--at a place where she had just about given up? Maybe she went to Jesus as her last resort, but she did go. She turned to the only one who could heal her fully, and that very thing He did. I love the way The Message says it.

"Then [Jesus] reassured her: "Courage, daughter. You took a risk of faith, and now you're well." The woman was well from then on."

A risk of faith. It is a risk isn't it? You're turning to Jesus to heal you; what happens if He doesn't come through? I have often feared that very thing. But I'm coming to see that He will heal, sister. He will. It may look a little different than we would have thought, but He will come through. And really, do you have another choice? It's turn to your Healer or stay where you're at. You can do this! Listen to a portion of my favorite hymn (I think it's a hymn. It is in my mind, anyway). My favorite version is by FFH. As the song progresses it almost explodes at the point in the lyrics below. The emphasis is mine.

In Christ Alone
There in the ground His body lay,
Light of the world by darkness slain;
Then bursting forth in glorious day,
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory,
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me;
For I am His and He is mine—
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death—
This is the pow'r of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No pow'r of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home—
Here in the pow'r of Christ I'll stand.


That same Christ who conquered death is living in you ready to conquer your past failings and present struggles. Turn to Him; trust Him. He will not fail you. I'll sum up with this final verse:

"He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all--how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?" Romans 8:32

God sent His Son to die for us; it was an investment in our lives of the deepest kind. Will He now just leave us to our own devices? Only if we don't let Him in. He wants in; open the door. Yes, it is difficult to expose the dark places to Him. But I've found that there is such comfort in it. He doesn't condemn; He heals. And isn't that what we're after? Deep to the core healing? Invite Him into the broken places so He can make you whole.

Thanks for listening. I love sharing the adventure of Christ with you. I love you.

Jesus, give us the courage to forge into the dark places with You. Thanks that You are faithful to forgive and heal. Draw us under Your protective wings as we become vulnerable. We love you. Amen.

New article up on Ungrind.org. If you're interested in reading it, click here.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes

"Mommy, what's the name of that girl who is learning you to be happy?" Me-"Ms. Brenda." "Oh, okay. God, thank you for Ms. Brenda to help mommy to not be mean to Daddy because he is nice. Thank you. Amen."

This was my 4-year-old son's prayer tonight, his hand resting on my face. He was sincerely praying for me. As proud as that makes me, the sentiments of his pleadings were a stinging slap to the face. Nevertheless, he expressed the exact reason I'm now visiting my new "teacher" Brenda. She is a counselor.

As I've journeyed down the road with Jesus--listening to sermons, attending Bible study upon Bible study, leading Bible lessons for high school girls, mentoring a couple of them along the way--I've heard over and over again about the fullness of life in Christ. The fullness of joy and peace as a believer that is our right and inheritance. It has excited me and driven me to plod ahead in my faith. However, to be completely honest with you, I have not been able to live consistently in that abundant life. It has been an elusive promise that I lay hold of but see slip out of my fingers often. I'm not able to abide there permanently. The joy that I've found in Jesus has been real, but also fleeting. So frustrating and discouraging.

One of the biggest manifestations of that discouragement is anger. For years now I've been an angry, irritable gal. In college and my early 20's it was okay because those types of girls were looked upon as strong and independent in my circles. But, as I turned my life over to Jesus in my late 20's, I started to become aware of just how ugly the anger was. It didn't really become a big deal until I met Lou and we got married. Poor thing has been dealing with grumpy girl ever since. I have spent the last 7 years struggling with my tendency to be critical, sarcastic, and rude. Yes, I have good days when I'm as happy as a goat in a pile of tin cans. But, those days have become more the exception than the rule.

I know that God has called me to stand up for my family and begin to break the generational sins that have plagued us for years, but this one has proved to be too big for me. There is an underlying something or other fueling the anger and sadness and I've decided to stop running and face it. I have to or I will pass this discontent and anger along to my sweet Cooper to pass along to his kids. The cycle will continue until one of us has the courage to stand up, take God at His word, and fight this thing through until we find freedom. For Cooper's sake, I'm doing it. I'm scared, but I'm doing it.

I know this isn't a feel good post with beautiful analogies and flowery language. But my heart is to cut the fancies and get gut-level honest with you. I want to share this journey with you. I want you to know that, if you're like me, YOU'RE NOT ALONE! Of course, I'm not going to go into every detail (a girl and her fam need a little privacy), but I do want to share any lessons I learn along the way. So know that I will probably be posting a lot about courage, victory, fighting, trusting, etc. And don't worry; it's not my goal to be a weekly downer. I will fight to keep my humor.

I will be visiting with Brenda every Thursday for what sounds like a long time. Evidently, I've got some intense work to do. Fun! Fun! So, I will not be posting on Tuesdays anymore; I'll be moving to the weekends, probably Fridays or Saturdays. I'm trying to be easier on myself, so it may even be on a Sunday or Monday, but I will get it done. This is not only a vessel for me to process what I'm learning, but it is a way for me to serve you through it. To draw alongside you in your pain or trial and to be transparent enough that you might draw comfort from being able to say, "I'm not the only one who thinks like that?" or "I've done that too!"

Ladies, please know that you are not alone in any struggle that you have.

"What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun." Ecc. 1:9

What we are presently going through has been experienced, fought through, and conquered in the name of Jesus before. Let's have the courage to stand up and fight for the abundant life that Jesus promises us. He's not a liar...if He says it's what we're meant to have, let's break through whatever is in our way until we lay hold of it! If you're running from it--stop. Look it in the face and start to process through it. And if you need to seek help. . .don't be ashamed!

"Get wisdom, get understanding; do not forget my words or swerve from them." Prov. 4:5

Seek out the wisdom of a Christian counselor if you need to. There is NO shame in that; just make sure she or he is someone who will lead you to Christ because He is the source of true wisdom.

Let's really do this thing, girls! Let's seek after the victory that we're promised. God will prove faithful.

"I will walk about in victory, for I have sought his precepts." Psalm 119:45

BELIEVE IT! I'll see you next week for our first "session". Love you!

Holy Moses! Part 2

Hello again! Last week, we talked a little bit about Moses and his reaction to his past in the face of a big calling from God. I want to explore the moment God revealed Himself through Moses’ staff a tad more. If you’ll remember, we likened Moses’ shepherd’s staff to his former life of sin. Just as God used the staff to glorify Himself not only to Moses but later to the Hebrews and Egyptians, He wants to use our past sin to do the same in us and in our world. We asked the question, “How does God want to use your past to affect the world around you?” You might have noticed that in answering this question you were faced with the requirement of remembering some old wounds. In having to do so, you might have reacted like Moses did when God asked him to focus on his staff.

“The LORD said, ‘Throw it on the ground.’ Moses threw it on the ground and it became a snake, and he ran from it.” Ex. 4:3

Often, our first reaction when we are forced to think about old hurts and mistakes is to shut down the thought process and run from it. Who wants to brood over that stuff? Why bring intentional depression upon ourselves? The truth is we are not meant to feel eternally downcast when we rehearse our past; God desires for us to find healing from it. Check out what He says in Isaiah…I love it!!

“They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations.” Isa. 61:4

Yes, our ruins may be ancient, our hurts and mistakes haunting, but God desires restoration, not avoidance. There is a saying that goes, “You cannot heal what you do not acknowledge.” We must look it in the face, bring it to God and let Him heal it. This will look different for everyone. Depending on what’s looming in your past, counseling might benefit you. But, make sure that the good doctor is pointing you towards Christ. He is our only true Healer. Look what happened with Moses when God commanded him to deal with the snake.

“Then the LORD said to him, ‘Reach out your hand and take it by the tail.’ So Moses reached out and took hold of the snake and it turned back into a staff in his hand.” Ex. 4:4

No doubt the snake was frightening, but the truth was, in the presence of God, Moses had mastery over it! He grabbed that thing by the tail and put it in its rightful place: submission. The truth about your past is if you have Christ living in you, you have mastery over your former mistakes and pains! The enemy would love for you to believe the lie that you will never gain victory over them, but plainly and simply, that is a lie. God promises over and over in His word that when we seek Him, we will be healed and have victory and freedom. THAT is the truth. Choose to believe it.

We must come to the place where we decide that living behind prison doors of insecurity, discontent, or fear are no longer good enough. We are the people of God, the King of kings, and we WILL act like it. We will not run in fear from our pasts; we will stand, look them in the face, and just like Moses' snake, put them in their proper place of submission. We will trust that God knew what He was doing then and continues to be in control presently. The enemy has no right to stake any sort of claim over your life. You have already gained the victory. Now ask God to help you walk in it.

"I will walk about in victory for I have sought your precepts." Psalm 119:45

Father, thank you for your unmerited favor and freedom. Although you have made us free, it is sometimes so difficult to believe and live out. Help us. Thank you that you desire to heal us from past hurt and that no past is beyond your loving grasp. We love you.

Hold On, Sister!

“Sweet little babies, it’s hard to understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing—
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…”
--“Glory Baby” by Watermark

A dear friend gave me the song above to listen to because it reminded her of our first child. Gabriela Faith is my sweet daughter who was stillborn on November 15, 2002. Although I know she is in Heaven and has escaped the pains and trials of this earth, up until very recently, that did very little to comfort me. To be honest with you, the sentiments expressed in the song above not only did not soothe me; they enraged me. I didn’t really believe that healing would come, and I wasn’t so sure God knew what He was doing when He let her slip away. His purposes seemed cruel and beyond any kind of reason.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

After Gabi passed away, I took a long journey through deep depression and fear. The darkest and scariest time in my life to date. As the months turned into years, I began to wonder if I would ever be happy. Healed. Whole. This past year marked the 5th anniversary of her death, and upon reflecting on her life, I realized that I had finally found some joy. Lots of it. My life is now characterized by passion for the Lord, for the life He has given me, and for what He is doing in the world around me. What had happened? What had changed me from a broken woman despairing of life to this gal lit aflame for the Lord?

I had hung on to Jesus for dear life. All I could see in my darkness was His hand gently pulling me forward, and I held on purely out of desperation. I tucked Psalm 119:45 deep into my heart as my promise. “I will walk about in freedom, for I have sought His precepts.” I had to believe that someday I would conquer the pain. Most of the time it wasn’t easy. Many times it was the most challenging thing I had ever done. But I had no choice. Either I hold on to Jesus or give up on life.

I suspect that I’ll never know the full extent of what God has done through Gabi’s life, but He has been so gracious as to show me the miracles that He has performed in me through her.

Chiefly, he has given me REAL joy, peace, and hope. What I had before Gabi was fake. It was what I could muster up within myself. God taught me through my new lack of self-sufficiency that He was the true Source of those qualities. Also, I did not know it, but I had become distant and somewhat unsympathetic to those around me because of my reaction to some experiences in my past. In having to let people help me, I learned to let them in and continue to learn how to love them well. By the way, this is still a work in progress! But, one of the coolest things that Gabi accomplished was God giving me my calling through her. In being stripped of all my pretenses and facades, I found freedom in simply being me. In being real. And God has ignited a passion in me to help other women find that same liberty. Simply put, He has given me all the things He has promised He would. Joy. Peace. Hope. Love. Purpose.

My life before the birth of my sweet daughter pales in comparison to the one I’m living now. Ladies, let’s hold on. Let’s trust God and His plan. It may be painful, and it may be the hardest thing we ever do, but can we hold on long enough to see God fulfill the promises He’s made to us? His word says that all His ways are faithful and loving towards us and that He’s working out everything for our good. Let’s choose to trust that and stick it out to see the miracles He performs.

“He has sent me to. . .bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.” Isaiah 61:1-3

Memory Verse: Romans 12:12 “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.”

God, thank you that you found enough worth in me to love me out of my imprisonment. Thank you for Gabi…please give her a big hug and “thank you” for me. It warms my heart to know that she accomplished her purpose in this life. Father, help us to hold on and trust you and your goodness. In Jesus’ name, amen.