A 151 Heart

Happy Thursday! You're almost done with your work week! Woohoo!!

Thank you all for your kind words and concerns about Cooper. He is doing much better this week. However, I wasn't until a few days ago. Those of you who have children--have you ever noticed that? Your child has an issue that brings him to shoulder-heaving sobs, but he has moved on by mid-afternoon while you're left in a downward spiraling whirlpool of worry and discouragement? Not fair, I say. NOT FAIR! However, I'd rather me be left dealing with it than him. I don't have to like it, though.

I tend to do that. . .wallow. Anyone else? Do I have any Pity Party attenders out there? What is up with that, anyway? Why is it so difficult to take God at His word and rest in His promises of provision and security? What is it about us that must constantly turn a molehill into a mountain? To take a problem, dissect it like an 8th grade lab frog and lament over the complexities of sewing it back together? Why do we do this?

As I was ruminating over Cooper's hypothetical school issues, God was already at work safeguarding his heart. Sunday morning at about 3 a.m. Coop woke up wailing that scared "Mommy!" scream all moms hate to hear. As I slouched onto his bed, he reported that he had a bad dream. I think he was stuck in a barrel (stupid Super Mario Brothers Wii game). I reassured him, prayed over him, and after he begged Satan to return to Jesus, he drifted off to a sweet slumber. I thought. He woke me again to tell me he just had a good dream. Awesome! Though reassured, I wasn't thrilled about being jostled awake for happy news. If I get woken up at 3:30 a.m. someone better be in imminent danger--real or imagined. We thanked God for better dreams and quickly fell asleep. Then. . .he had the nerve to rouse me a 3rd time. As I was preparing a speech in my head detailing the benefits of sleep, he announced that in this dream he was a spy peering into Heaven. Suddenly, it didn't matter that it was 4:00 in the morning.

"Mommy, I was a spy and I was looking into Heaven and Satan and Jesus were fighting. Satan was saying, 'I'm giving Cooper bad dreams!' and Jesus was saying, 'I'm giving Cooper good dreams!' Then I typed in my spy thing (fingers typing air guitar style) and I said, 'I want to see Jesus close up.' Then it zoomed into His heart and I saw power! There was power in His heart. It said 151 and 151!"

By the way, Cooper's idea of a huge amount is 151, so the fact that Jesus had that total squared is a big deal. I am convinced that Jesus spoke to Cooper through that dream that night, telling him that the Almighty is with him all the time, fighting for his little self. But, honestly, I think it did more to encourage me than it did Coop. In all of my imagined fears, God was saying, "Misti, chill out. I've got him." I should have been immediately ripped out of my emotional funk, but I'm stubborn. Hey. . .keep your "amens" to yourself.

Yesterday, as I, still emotionally weary, was putting Coop to bed he revealed during our nightly talking time that something had "hurt him on the inside a little" today at school. I'm thinking, "Guh. . .I don't know how much more my emotions can handle. Leave my little boy alone!" It seems another little girl--what is it with these girls?--laughed at Coop because his favorite color is red, a color that she had decided was a girls' color. She actually pointed at him and laughed. Really? I mean, who does that? So, I asked Cooper how he responded.

"I just said in my head, That wasn't very nice. But it's okay because Jesus loves me!" He stated that he felt much better after that.

*sigh* I love You so much, Jesus. Thank you that he seems to be getting it even while I have no idea what I'm doing in this parenting thing.

And I don't. I think I have an aspect of it figured out and then Coop comes home with something that blows my theory out of the water. I can't seem to figure it out, or even stop worrying about figuring it out. But I'm learning that I don't have to have it all figured out. My comfort zone is in having everything tidily wrapped up with a neat little bow...If I can make sense of it, I can live with it. But to my disillusionment, God doesn't work that way. He is a day-by-day, moment-by-moment kind of God. And sometimes, He makes absolutely no sense.

Earlier this week Coop and I read about Abram in Genesis. . .how God just told him to leave his home and "go to the land [God] will show him." God didn't say, "Now, Abram, here's the plan. You're going to head towards Shechem. When you get there, build and altar and then head out to Bethel. You will eventually end up in Canaan. . .oh, nevermind. Let me draw you a map." No, He said, "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you. And do you know what Abram did? He went! I'm curious as to whether he was wondering what the heck God was up to. Did it make any kind of sense to Abram at all? It doesn't seem to matter because he obeyed. Can you imagine that conversation?

Abram: Alright, Sarai, Lot. . .pack up. We're heading out.
Sarai: Uh, where?
Abram: I don't know.
Sarai: Excuse me?
Abram: I don't know. . .I'm just doin' what I'm told.

I wish I were more like Abram, just doing what I'm told. But so often I find myself questioning God. Why? Where? Well, how long will it take? Who will be there? Is it gonna hurt? Can I take Lou with me?
And, unfortunately, something I have figured out (yey!) is that all my questioning isn't just an intelligent, inquisitive mind at work (boo!). It is unbelief. Period.

I question because I don't trust God's promise that He will take care of me (Ps. 23). I don't trust that I'm going to be okay because God is with me wherever I go (Jos. 1:9). I say I believe Him with my mouth, but so often my actions betray me.

Unbelief. Yuck.

Today, like the demon-possessed boy's father in the gospels, I'm asking for God to help me overcome my unbelief. No more worrying. No more fretting. No more having to have everything figured out so I can have peace to move on. No more. I must start finding peace in God's love and care, not my ability to make sense of it all.

Cooper is right--Jesus does have a heart full of power and it's about time I start trusting it.

Jesus, I confess my unbelief today. I'm sorry that I so often try to figure it all out. That's not the adventurous life you've called me to. Help me and my friends here to trust You moment-by-moment, even if we don't know what's around the corner. Empower us to be comfortable simply knowing that You do. Thank You, Jesus, for being trustworthy. We love you, Amen.

God in the Mess

I'm heavy-hearted today. I just sent my little kindergartener off to school in tears because he didn't want to go. "They make fun of me, Mommy." He's referring to a little girl who looked at one of his drawings and told him, "You're not even an artist" and a couple of older boys he's convinced were laughing at him one day. These instances seem small to us adults, but to my soft-hearted sweetie, they deliver a powerful blow to his sensitive soul.

My husband and I are very intentional about filling Cooper's heart with love, affirmation, and encouragement in an effort to give him a sense of confidence and security. But after his reactions to these classmates, I find myself wondering if it is enough. I think my hope was that at his first peer insult Coop would be able to react with something like, "Whatever. I know I'm great and that God loves me. I don't need your approval." Expecting too much from a 5-yr-old?

I've been reminded afresh this morning that the world we live in is not all rainbows and butterflies. Yes, I already knew that, but some days Satan's plans slap me squarely in the face. I know that just as much as God has a plan to prosper Cooper and give him abundant, full life, Satan has a plan to completely annihilate him. As we were discussing this very thing in our family time this week (isn't it funny how God sets us up for our next trial), Coop and I illustrated it like this:



Let me explain this a little since evidently I'm not an artist either. In the bottom center is Cooper--with his cool, new hairdo--a road on either side of him. Every day he has a choice of which one he will take. The path to the left is Satan's journey for him (hence, the fire at the end) and God's is on the right. If you'll look closely you'll see that Satan's way is a pretty straight shot with no visible obstacles. We pointed out that it looks easier sometimes, but there are traps hidden along the way. That blobby thing in the middle of the road with "trees" covering it is supposed to depict that. Don't judge my skills! The "right" road looks more arduous. . .mountains, boulders, etc., but it leads to a joyful peace with Christ (big, happy face). Sidenote: look at Jesus loving on the little ones in the bottom right. . .precious. That was Coop's idea; Momma was so proud. However, Satan also has children. I don't know what to think of that, but I'm just choosing not to overanalyze it. The best part of the drawing is Cooper choosing to draw himself on God's pathway and writing "yes" next to it. He chooses Christ. Thank you, Jesus.

But, as I saw this morning when my son tried to fake a stomachache to stay home, choosing to believe Christ in theory is much easier than actually doing it. Choosing to believe what God says about you and your relationship with Him is much simpler before you're actually called on to do it. But that's the sticking point in our faith, isn't it? Are we really going to believe God in a way that influences the way we think and live or are we going to play church? I know, I know. It's not easy, but did God call us to a life of comfort and ease or of adventure? Think about it. . .are you really content with an unchallenging, boring life? Something comes alive in us when we are called to the mat to stand up for Christ. If we can get out of our slimy pit of negative thinking and risk to believe God's promises for us, He will surprise us with His faithfulness and care. He longs to speak life and love to us, but when we're stuck in comfortable coasting somehow we can't hear Him as well.

As much as I hate to see Cooper have to deal with the arrows aimed at his heart, I have to trust that God is using them to woo him into a passionate, intimate, believing relationship with Himself. I like the way Brent Curtis says it in The Sacred Romance:

". . .every single thing in the lives of both nations and individuals is orchestrated with this sole objective that they might seek God." (taken from Acts 17:26-28)

Every SINGLE thing. If I can take a step back and look at life's pain from an eternal perspective, my world brightens a bit. Is it still tremendously difficult to send my sweet angel into a gladiatorial arena? Absolutely! But am I going to rescue him from the realities of the world and rob him of God's internal work in his life to assuage my pain? NO. I'm going to pray in the difficulties he faces, whether traps set by the enemy or obstacles sent by God, he chooses to think God's thoughts. My only choice is to daily surrender him (and the rest of my life) to the Keeper of Our Hearts and trust that He is good and able. Again, it's a choice.

Peace or despair.

I can't help what God chooses for him; I can only help my heart in the midst of it. Surrender. Trust. If I want to be sane, they are my only options. And yours, too. Whatever is bigger than life to you right now, can you risk to hand it over to God? Can you trust that He ordained it, is using it to romance you, and is right in the middle of it to equip and comfort you? Stop your swirling thoughts for a sec and ask God to take over. Then do your best to let Him. Though it's way easier said than done, if we can manage to pull it off, the peace we receive really does pass all understanding. Give it a shot. I mean, it's better than the alternative of fretting and heavyheartedness, right?

Father, like Cooper did on paper, I choose you. I put myself on the "right" road today and entrust my precious boy to You knowing that You know what You're doing. And I pray for Cooper and the rest of my friends here, that You would enable them to completely surrender their trials to You today and believe Your promises to them. Uphold them, encourage them, and strengthen them to withstand the challenges before them today. Show yourself mighty and faithful. Thank you for loving us enough to get dirty in our lives. We love you, amen.

Update: Cooper just informed me that the children by Satan are laughing at him. Okay. . .I feel better.

Somethin' vs. Nothin'

"She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyon's ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years older
And she's three more steps behind"


I was listening to this song by Casting Crowns this morning, and though I think it is speaking about a woman who does not know Jesus, it seems applicable to us as believers as well.

"She is running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction..."

Running. Striving. Scratching and Clawing. Do you feel like that today? Do you feel like no matter what you do, you just can't make it work? You can't pull it all together or figure it all out? May I suggest that maybe you're not supposed to? May I be a bit bolder and ask you if maybe you're trying so hard because you're trying to do it on your own or run your own agenda? I hear ya'...I do that a lot. I happen to think my agenda is a pretty good plan. To my surprise, God is not about approving my plans or running things the way I see fit. He seems to have His own thing going on and it ain't about me doing my thing in my way.

No, instead, he talks to me A LOT about abiding in Him. Abiding...what does that even mean? There are many definitions, but the one that grabbed my attention earlier this week was "to remain as one; not to become another or different". It reminded me of the parable Jesus told in John 15.

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains (abides) in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; APART (becoming another) from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned." vss. 5-6

"Nothing". Hmm. "Really, God? Nothing?" I wonder what He really means. Good ol' Webster has a nice way of summing up the meaning of the word nothing: "of no account: worthless". So let me think here. If I hang tight to Jesus and try to follow His plan as much as possible, I will bear MUCH fruit, but if I decide to try to push my agenda, the only thing I can accomplish is worthless and of no account. It seems like an easy choice, yet I so often pick the latter. Anybody with me? Anybody get to the end of their week and realize they have been running in the wrong direction the entire time and feeling older but still 3 steps behind?

Ladies, we must make an intentional effort to abide in Christ...to not become another or different. We must stay stuck fast to Him so that we know the steps we are making every moment of every day are falling along the path He has laid out for us. If we want to be fruitful; if we want to have peace at the end of the day; if we don't want to be like that branch that is withered and prime for destruction, we must approach Jesus throughout the day and check in. Have your time with Him everyday but don't stop there!

My husband sets his phone alarm to strike every hour so he can check in with God. He prays for guidance and gets his mind focused back on Jesus. You don't have to do that, but kick up your walk with Jesus a notch. Create a way to keep in regular contact with Him. And let me know what it is...I would love to hear how varied everyone's approach will be.

Our life is not about what WE accomplish and what WE do. It is about being an instrument for Jesus. It's about Him. If we have any kind of chance to make an impact for Him that's worth while and of much account, we must keep in close communication with Him. Put Him first, talk to Him often, and the fruit you will bear will be abundant and eternal.

I love you, girls. Have a restful weekend walking closely to Jesus. Tell Him I said hello!

Fact or Feeling?

Hey, sista friends! I've missed y'all so much in this time off I've taken. Just so you know, I still love to blog, but haven't been able to find the time to devote to it. I pray about it often and ask that when God wants me to post, He'll give me the time and direction. This is the first time that has happened since the end of October. Cooper is at home sick today and is napping, which he never does, so here I sit with you. I pray that God would speak through me today straight into your heart. I love you all so much.

Earlier this week I was talking with one of my girls that is home from college, and during our conversation God really hammered a truth into my heart. I've been mulling over this particular truth in my mind for some time, but in listening to my sweet friend's heart, it seemed to come alive to me. And here it is:

I think, as women, our biggest battle is to believe truth over our emotions.

God has given us a gift to be filled with love, to be able to celebrate with the jubilant, or to hurt with those who are in pain. But, often those same emotions lead us to mistake lust for love, or to participate in something simply because it feels good, or to assume false guilt for something that we have no responsibility for. For instance, how many moms out there are watching their child walk in rebellion and wondering what they did to cause it because it feels like it must be their fault? Or how many are looking back on a mistake they made and beating themselves into the ground for it because they feel ashamed?

Better yet, how many of us are looking at our lives, our daily circumstances, our spouses, our finances, our school load, or even ourselves and thinking it's all too much for us to handle simply because it feels that way?

"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" Jeremiah 17:9


The heart, the point of origin for all our feelings and emotions, is described by God as "deceitful above all things". What does this mean for us? For me, it means not believing everything I feel. Just because a thought or feeling comes into my head or tries to land on my heart, doesn't mean it's true! I must weigh everything I feel on the scale of God's word. I'm going to list some of the lies I'm most vulnerable to believe as an aid for you to identify yours.

-I'm a bad mother because I'm sometimes impatient or dismissive with Cooper.
-I am a horrible wife because... (the list is endless here).
-My past experiences render me useless and dirty...no real use in the kingdom of God.
-I'll never get over my struggles. I'll forever be in bondage, not living the full life God intends for me.
-I can't do it.
-God won't do it.
-God doesn't care about me.
-God won't protect my family.
-I need to control everything for all to be okay.
-I must be perfect.

Lies, lies, lies!!!!!!!!!!!!

What would my life look like if I walked around everyday blindly believing such utter falsehood? I can tell you because I still have times that I do it. I would be down, discouraged, stressed out, untrusting, and faithless. My life would be characterized by recurring failure instead of consistent victory. So you may be saying, "Great, Misti. Now what? What am I supposed to do with these overwhelming feelings I have?"

I'm not saying that you shouldn't have feelings; I'm simply saying that they need to be put behind truth. Truth needs to be leading the way, not your feelings. And in order for truth to take it's proper place as the head, it needs to be chosen. Like so much in our walk with Jesus, it starts with a choice. You must choose to believe fact over feeling. For instance, even though sometimes I feel like a failure and like my past and weaknesses render me useless, I must choose to believe that I have been forgiven and made white as snow (Isa. 1:18) and that God is proven strong through my weaknesses (2Cor. 12:9). When I'm tempted to believe that I can't do it, that God won't get me to this continually victorious life, I have to choose to believe that He who started a good work in me will complete it (Php. 1:6). And when I feel like God doesn't love me, I choose to remember the Father sending His only Son as a sacrifice for me. I remember the torture and death that Jesus endured for me and my lie is eclipsed by the truth of His scandalous love. Then, the choice is mine. Will I dismiss the truth to wallow in my own misery, or turn and be renewed, strengthened, and changed by the truth? I either trust God or trust my emotions.

I know that this choice is difficult. We women are emotional people, but, we need to tell our emotions what to do, not the other way around. If you don't know what lies you're believing and walking in, ask God. Once you ask, He is faithful to tell you. Then, find some scripture to combat those lies. Keep saying those verses with your head until your heart and emotions follow.

Ladies, don't take this lightly. Stand up and fight for your victory and peace. Your God is doing His part; now, do yours. I love you.

When Good Isn't Good Enough

A couple of weeks ago I interviewed for a wonderful job with a ministry that provides physical and spiritual aid to the hurting and needing in Africa and India. After I answered questions about my qualifications and time availability, I listened as the founders of this ministry detailed what occurs in their projects. Girls and boys homes. Schools. Medical help. Christ-centered love. It was all so exciting and I quickly found myself daydreaming about writing newsletters for these servants and someday traveling to Africa to see their work in progress. At the end of our time, I expressed my excitement about the position but told them that I would have to go home and pray over the weekend to make sure God was giving me the o.k. to take the position. I assured them that I would probably be starting on Tuesday. That's what I get for speaking before praying.

I went home and did some research on the ministry, which only fueled my desire to take the position. Then I prayed, asking God to be clear on His direction, beseeching Him, really, to not let me stray from His path for me. You see, as much as I wanted to accept that job, there was something that wasn't sitting well in me. Something just didn't feel right. I began to suspect that this dis-ease was God saying no.

"But this job is perfect, God! The hours are outstanding. The money is great. . .it would allow us to finally catch up on bills. Their work is right up my alley, Lord! Why not?"

I never really got a direct answer to that question. But what I feel God did say is, "It's good. But it's not my best for you."

Hmph.

I was not happy; I'm not gonna lie. I wanted this job and I wasn't excited about laying it on the altar of obedience. But I had to ask myself whether I was going to serve myself or serve God.

"Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father and I too will love him and show myself to him." John 14:21

How many times have we heard that actions speak louder than words? I have had numerous people tell me that they love me, but their actions have betrayed their claims. So, here I was. . .where the rubber meets the road. I proclaim loudly and often that I love Jesus, but was I willing to put my money where my mouth was? Was I willing to sacrifice what I wanted to do what He wanted?

As difficult as it was, I made the phone call to turn down the perfect job. I wish I could say that I was happy to do it and that I had such peace afterward, but truthfully, I was bitter about it for a few days. Then I got over myself.

God said that He had something better for me. His best, in fact. I have no idea what that is and I'm still waiting on it, but I must trust what He says is true: that He will show Himself to me. He will guide me in the way to go. And as hard as it is for me to imagine, where he leads me will be leaps and bounds above the opportunity I passed up.

Gals, let's trust God no matter what He asks us to do knowing that in our obedience we are expressing our love to Him. What a small price to pay for what He did for us. He sacrificed His life for us; let's return the favor. Remarkably, when we do so, we are repaid with His love and intimate revelation. I'm thinkin' we're getting the good end of the deal. I'll take that deal any day!

Snuggle Up

Why is it a child can excuse himself from doing anything because he is "SOOO tired", but as soon as the bedtime routine begins, said child can transform into a human pinball? BING! BING! BING!

Every night as bedtime approaches, we follow pretty much the same schedule with Cooper in an attempt to get him geared down.

1. Shower
2. Brush Teeth
3. Read Books
4. Pray
5. "Jesus Loves Me"
6. Sleep

And, I swear, that child can be dragging himself into the bathroom claiming exhaustion, but as soon as the first drop of water hits the porcelain, he's a brand new man. Eyes aglow, appendages flailing and lips flapping. "I LOVE SHOWERS!!!!" Hmm. . .maybe the shower is counterproductive.

So I opted out of step 1 tonight trying to avoid the Tasmanian Devil Syndrome, but my strategy was to no avail. As Cooper shed his daily attire to change into his pjs, he discarded his fatigue with it. He was soon jumping on the bed half naked yelling something about lions and wrestling. Homeboy was on fire, though I did get him to listen somewhat quietly to his bedtime story about treasure hunting in some dead guy's tomb. Spiritual, I know.

After singing "Jesus Loves Me", which elicited a yawn, I left the room feeling confident that sleep would be arriving promptly. However, Cooper had different plans. . .doesn't he always?

8:30: Mom leaves room
8:32: Child comes out to go "peeps" (that's pee-pee for all you non-hip gals)
8:33: "Mommy, I just came out to pee and now I need to tell you I'm scared"
8:34: Mom prays for "scared" child and leaves room for the 2nd time
8:38: Mom commands child to stop talking to himself and go to sleep
8:45: Child yells a question from his room which becomes a 5-minute conversation
9:00: Child asks mommy to come lay with him because he "just wants to be with her"

You know, what are you going to do at this point, turn that down? So, I trekked into his room and reclined with my sweet angel. As I did he made sure to inform me that he would be having NO covers. He then tossed and turned for a couple of minutes, but then he rolled over and looked at me. He didn't say a word but he let me cover him up and he snuggled in and fell asleep in less than a minute. It seemed that all he needed for that restless half hour was my presence.

As I left his room (for the 3rd time), I thought how I am so much like him. I'm always having to get out of bed to go peeps. No, but really, I do find myself restless sometimes. I am tossing and turning and running and yelling trying to find some way to express my disquiet. I so easily forget that the peace and soul rest that I need is found in cuddling up to the Father and reclining in His arms.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. . .He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart." Psalm 91:1,4

We live in a broken world overrun with sin and depravity. If we look around long enough we can worry ourselves to death. Just going through our day with all its pressures, conflicts, and struggles can get us worried about how we're ever going to make it. But, sister, God has gathered us up and covered us with his feathers. Like a mother hen, He has sheltered us from the outside elements. As much as we feel assaulted and overwhelmed, could you imagine what our lives would be like if we were not being protected by our all-powerful God? He is protecting you from anything that you cannot handle, that is not for your good, and that would not glorify Him.

Whatever you are presently being called to endure, find rest in the covering of the Father's mighty wings. Stop running. Stop trying to figure it out. Stop complaining. Stop doubting.

Just Stop.

He knows what He's doing. Trust Him; He's got you!

Now that you're still...(deep breath)...do you feel that? It's like the coziest down comforter, isn't it? Let the Father remind you that you are covered and that His presence is near. Now, rest, sister. Rest.

Father, thank you that you are safe and and that we are protected by you. Help us to remember in our daily struggles, no matter how big or small, that simple but peaceful truth. You have us covered. You care. You are for us. You will never leave us and you are ever for our good. We love you and are choosing to trust you today no matter what is going on around us. Amen.

Who's Plan, Anyway?

Howdy, girls! Happy Labor Day! Well, since Lou is home today, I took advantage of the extra set of hands and sent him out of the house with Cooper to give myself some time alone. In the quiet. With no one talking. Just me and my computer and Bible. In the quiet (oh, did I say that already?). And let me tell you, I love the stillness. No Transformer laser gun blasts, or "Mommy, can you get me that" or yelling from across the house. What's up with this, anyway? Why can't we just get our butts off the couch and walk the 10 feet to the other person? I mean, from one end of our house to the other is seriously no more than 15 steps. I know; I just did it. Anyway, I love my boys desperately, but sometimes I just need a little peace and quiet.

So, as I was relishing the sound of nothing, I thought this would be a perfect time for me to sit down and write you girls a little devo., but as I knelt to ask God what He wanted me to say, I felt Him telling me to get out to that pool and live it up with Lou and Coop. He also reminded me of something that I read this morning in He Speaks to Me by Priscilla Shirer:

"Ignoring what seems like an interruption ignores God's attempt to move me away from my plan for my day to His plan for my day...Sister, to continue with your plans without regarding life's interruptions is to ignore God's leading and voice."

I can look at this fun escape to the pool as an interruption to what I need to get done, or I can peer closer and see it for what it really is, God instructing me on His plan for my day. I simply must obey and leave the rest in His hands. And girls, I encourage you to do the same. When the next interruption comes like a wrecking ball to your plans, embrace it. Know that it is God guiding you along the path He has for you. Wouldn't you rather that path anyway, seeing that He's all-knowing and all?

So, I'm off. I'm thinking a cannonball sound like fun. Love you, girls!

Stick Figures and Selfishness

No, this is not one of Cooper's drawings. This is a piece of my journal "art". I've just recently picked up this new quirk from a friend of mine (thanks, Aimee); i've started putting some of my thoughts into pictures. I have, in the past, used charts and graphs as a way to organize my chaotic thought patterns, but upon reading my friend's journal (with her approval-we sometimes share our journals) I saw cute little sketches scattered about and I thought, Hey! Why didn't I think of that? I want to do pictures (whiney voice here)! So, here is one of my latest.

I'm not sure if you can even tell what it is. But this is a picture of where I stand in my family right now (top picture) and what I'm working towards (bottom picture). To the left are the words

My Needs
My Emotions
Me

Around those words are, no, not jump ropes. Those are arms. And to the right of both pictures are me (I'm the one with the beautiful head of ringlets) and my boys...Cooper and Lou. Now, if you can get by the elementary skill level of the piece, you'll notice a couple of things.

Top Picture: My needs are being embraced by me and both my boys are asking me to be with them.
Bottom Picture: My needs are being embraced by God and I'm embracing my family.

Here are the words that I wrote right before I sketched this masterpiece:

"If I could just get my focus off of myself and trust You to fulfill my needs. I've been so dependent on myself for so long--I just don't trust anyone else to care for me. But in taking care of me, I've got nothing left for anyone else! Such an inward focus--everyone else just gets my back."

God has been really speaking to me about living the sanctified life. About being different. About being a servant. It is so countercultural, and as you can tell from my sketches, so against everything in me, yet it is something that Jesus instructs us to do over and over.

"...Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave to all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." Mark 10:43-45

These verses are key to me. Yes, they tell us to serve others, even using the word "slave", but they also remind me of how I have been served. Jesus, the King of Kings, gave his life for me. His entire life was a service of love to His people. If that was His purpose and His ambition, who am I to think that I would be any different?

The problem is, I'm afraid that if I don't take care of myself then no one will. I don't trust. I don't let anyone in beyond a certain point. I am protective of myself. But I have found that in protecting myself, in serving me, I shut everyone else out. The people I love the most are left with an emotionally exhausted, frazzled, dismissive woman. I am so tired from taking care of my "stuff" that I have nothing left to give.

Anybody tracking with me? Anyone else out there just sick and tired of being all about themselves? I want so badly to be the woman in the second picture. I want to be confident that my God is taking care of everything that I need, and in that confidence to be freed up to lavish a service of love onto my family, friends, and community. It will be so; praise God. But I've got to learn to trust Him, don't I? Don't we? We have to trust Him with everything and depend on Him for everything.

I'll be honest; I don't think I know what that looks like quite yet. I'm still figuring it out. Right now it consists of revisiting some old, painful, hidden places and exposing them to Him. Letting Him behind the walls and learning how to let Him heal me. It also involves me stopping and turning to Him as a source of comfort when everything in me screams to turn inward and shut everyone out. It consists of me admitting to Him that I can't do it all, that nothing good lives in my flesh. And, presently, it means active surrender. Laying my plans, actions, thoughts and emotions on His altar of truth and love. Is He trustworthy? Will he take care of me, protect me, and lead me in the right direction? His word says he will. Listen to this....Oh, man. I tried to load the video of Coop saying Psalm 23, but I couldn't figure it out. Reading will have to do...just imagine an adorable, chubby-cheeked 4-yr-old reciting it.

Psalm 23

1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

3 he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, [a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

6 Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

If I'm going to say I'm a Christian, I need to act like it. I need to believe God's word and His word says clearly that He is trustworthy to take care of me. We can trust Him, girls. Let's do whatever it takes to do so. And in releasing our needs to Him, we will find energy and love we never knew we had to serve those around us. No more selfishness.

Father God, this is by far one of the hardest things I've ever had to learn. But please, God, help us to get it. We don't want to be selfish anymore! Give us everything we need to learn to trust you to take care of us so that we can expend our energies on others. We love you, amen.

Zany for Z-Straps

Are you a part of the Z Strap craze? I myself knew nothing of it until Cooper informed me that he just had to have a pair, which he decided after spotting them on his cousin Tyler's feet. I ask you, how does a 4-year-old have shoe envy already? We are doomed! Anyway, when his grandparents heard of his "need" they promptly escorted us to the local mall so they could purchase Coop his very own pair. You should have seen him when he found out what we were doing. You would have thought I fed him sugar cubes for breakfast. He was either running, jumping, or screaming the entire morning.

As we arrived at the shoe department of JC Penney's, he made a bee line to the Sketchers and found himself the perfect pair of z-straps. They were black. And had lights. Ugh! Thank God they didn't have a pair that fit him. After trying on a few more models, we found a pair on which we could all agree and that had nary a light. Thank You, Jesus. He, of course, insisted on donning his new kicks out of the store, and I had to admit, they were good lookin'. Coop can make just about anything look cute but that's beside the point. Here's the pair we decided on.















They don't look like they have super powers, do they? I know. . .I thought they appeared common myself, but according to Cooper, they harness all of the power in the universe and make him stronger, quicker, and a much better jumper. Magic shoes (That was my Forest Gump voice again. Italics equals Forest.) In between time trials from one store to the next to clock his increased speed, he would look up at me and say, "Mommy! Look how high I can jump!" He firmly believes that when he slips his cute little feet into those shoes he is more powerful than when he is sporting commonplace sandals. For him, it's simple. The advertisements say these shoes make him more powerful, so it must be so (brilliant super hero marketing, by the way).

Wouldn't it be something if we believed God's truths so simply and thoroughly? What if we actually took Him at his word and acted on it? It's easy to say we believe Him, but our actions prove what we really embrace as truth.

What has God been telling you? I'll share mine with you just to get your brain juices flowing. I have been battling with God over whether or not to have another child. We had settled on stopping after Cooper and had peace about it, but recently I have been plagued by questions like, "What if I heard God wrong?", "Will he be lonely?", "Are we depriving him?", and "Will he be okay?" I just couldn't get it through my thick skull that having only one child, though uncommon, is just fine if it's what God has ordained. After driving myself mad with questions of the unknown, I had to decide. Either I was going to believe God on this or not. I could either take Him at His word and trust Him enough to walk it out, or question Him and take it into my own hands. And we all know how that usually turns out.

So, I'll ask it again. What has God been telling you?

That you are scandalously loved despite your failings?

That you CAN get through this tough time if you stick with Him?

That your marriage IS salvageable and can be turned into a loving relationship?

That your prayers are heard and important?

That you can be victorious?

What if you acted on those truths? How would your life look different? I've decided to trust God on this only child thing and see all the wonderful things He has planned through it. Why don't you give it a shot, too? Trust Him, smash through those fears, and walk it out. You just might discover you have magic shoes, too!

Father God, help us to believe you. Help us to hear clearly what you are saying to us and enable us to believe you enough to act on it. We love you, amen.

Oh, the Humility!

Hey, gals. I was just doing a little thinking...I like to do that, ya' know. And I thought I would just throw something out there. Idea: tell me what you think. I'm thinking about shakin' things up a bit. Mondays: I post a Bible passage for all of us to read. Tuesdays: I share my thoughts on it (much like the posts you've been reading). But, I would also include a couple of discussion questions for you to comment on. That way, we could create a community of "cyber-friends" and support/ encourage one another. Besides, sometimes I get tired of hearing myself talk. I'd like to hear what y'all have to say. We could have a trial run for a few weeks and re-assess after that. Okay...be honest (you know how I feel about being honest) and tell me what you think. Go ahead...go make a comment...I'm not going on until you do. Go!

Okay, now that you've put in your two cents, let's move on to Mary, Jesus' mom. I've just started doing some one-on-one discipleship with a couple of our high school girls, and we are going over women in the Bible. And who better to start with than Mary? I figure she's pretty important, being the mother of the Messiah and all. And let me tell you, watching her life lived out on the pages of scripture not only intrigued me; it convicted and challenged me. She was an incredibly humble woman who trusted her God completely, no matter in what circumstances she found herself.

Trust and Humility.

Two characteristics I continually have to battle for. They aren't natural are they? And I don't think they were necessarily easy for Mary either. You may remember that she was visited by an angel who informed her that she would soon be pregnant with "the Son of the Lord Most High". Her response wasn't, "Oh, I should have expected as much; I am such a holy and blameless woman." My guess is we wouldn't be studying her right now if it would have been! Anyway, after a moment of fear (comforting to know she was human and felt anxieties, too), Mary asked for some clarification since she was a virgin. Mr. Angel then proceeded to inform her that, of course, the Holy Spirit would be taking care of all of that. This seemed to be a satisfactory explanation for her and she simply said, "I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me as you have said" (Luke 1:38). Excuse me?! Mary, aren't you going to ask him the exact method and time line of said events? And what about your fiance? What are you going to say to him? Details, Mary, details! But, no. Complete trust. I'm not suggesting that she didn't have questions or concerns; I'm suggesting that she trusted her God and His love and "bigness" enough to take care of them. She didn't fret, insisting on answers to every "what if?" in order to assuage her fear. She chose to trust in the midst of the unknown. Ugh, now I'm forced to ask myself:

1. Am I willing to do the hard things for Christ? Am I truly serving Him or am I really serving myself?
2. Am I really trusting His plan, or am I questioning every aspect until I get enough answers to feel comfortable?

Difficult questions. Questions who's answers are great indicators of where we are with God in the faith department. I'm sorry to say that I wish my answers were a little different than they are.

Later in that same chapter in Luke, we get to witness Mary's humility as Luke records "Mary's Song", a hymn of praise to her God. It is here that we learn one of the secrets to true humility. Praise. Extolling God reminds us of who He is and that we are not Him. I don't know about you, but I would be in danger of thinking I was pretty amazing if I were chosen to bear the Savior of the world, but there's no indication that Mary went there. She, instead, chose to praise God, to put herself in right relationship with Him. Listen to her heart:

"My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has been mindful of the humble state [humble origin or state] of his servant. . .the Mighty One has done great things for me--holy is his name." vss. 46-49

She was thanking God for blessing her in the midst of her lowly circumstances. She knew that this was all from above and she was giving Him full credit, taking none for herself. Oh, I wish I were more like her, don't you? Luke also noted that throughout Jesus' life, his mom "treasured up" the things that surrounded her Son and pondered them in her heart. Interestingly, this "treasuring up" denotes an intense and careful protection. It was active. She worked at her humility. Are we doing the same? Our nature is to exalt ourselves, so are we actively working against it? Are we purposefully praising God so as to remind ourselves of His greatness? I have found a great way to do this is to keep a gratitude journal. This is a discipline I have practiced in the past. It simply involves a nightly session of jotting down things in your day that you are grateful for. I would also pray and thank God for those things. Doing this reminds us that any good thing in us or our lives is from Him and has nothing to do with us (James 1:17). It also focuses our minds on Him and His love for us right before we enter into dreamland. It makes for a more peaceful night.

God is pretty clear on His views of pride and humility:

"Though the LORD is on high, he looks upon the lowly, but the proud he knows from afar." Psalm 138:6

"This is who I esteem: he who is humble and contrite in spirit, and trembles at my word" Isaiah 66:2

To be intimate with and esteemed by God? Sign me up! Ladies, let's pursue humility. For, out of an accurate assessment of our smallness and God's bigness, trust is born. It's work, but anything worth having always is.

Father, help us to see your greatness and sovereignty and to be awed by your power. But also open our eyes to your deep love for us, your creation. Turn it all into belief and, thus, trust. We love you, amen.

A Short on Suffering

Hey, gals. This week is going to be more of a thought to ponder than a complete blog. I've been dealing with a toothache that culminated in a root canal today, so I'm somewhat under the weather. I pray that God would use the little I have to offer mightily no matter the word count! Bless you all!

"The apostles left the Sanhedrin [after being flogged], rejoicing because they had been counted worthy of suffering disgrace for the Name." Acts 5:41

After I read this passage this morning, I was faced with my own tendency to balk and complain at any inconvenience, much less any suffering, that I must face in my life. I can't remember the last time I rejoiced at having a trial put before me. And I realize that many of our trials today aren't nearly as severe as the apostles', but they are still designed to glorify God in some way no matter how small. Think about it. Whatever you face that's difficult, it has the potential to mold you more into the image of God. It is an honor. As hard as it is, we should be thanking God for taking the time to deal individually with us. We have the reassurance that everything that God does in our lives derives from His heart of love towards us, so we can KNOW that our trials are for our good. Today as we go about our day and some sort of distraction or inconvenience pops up, let's have the mind to ask God what He's doing in it. Let's try to roll with what God is doing daily, in the small things instead of fighting against Him when things don't go our way.

Father, thank you for loving us enough as to be intimately involved in the little events and happenings of our days. Help us to work with you instead of against you. We love you, amen.

Holy Moses! Part 1

This week, I’ve been thinking quite a bit about Moses. Not necessarily about him leading his people out of Egypt or orchestrating a mid-ocean, dry land trek, but more about his life before he learned of his calling. He killed someone. He tried to cover it up. He ran for his life. Then, he found himself amongst a herd of sheep, spending hour after dreadfully boring hour leading his furry flock. Do you think he wondered if this was the only leadership he was meant for? Did he think that his past sins had rendered useless any gifts he may have had? It had been decades since he had done anything but tend sheep. I wonder if he had given up on any further aspirations.

When Moses encounters a shrub lit aflame by the very presence of God, his insecurities come center stage. God has chosen him for a mighty big job and He begins to reveal the plan for that job to Moses. And what is Moses’ reaction? “Who am I. . .?” Okay, I’ll give him this one. It sounds like good, God-centered humility. But he follows it up with, “What if they do not believe me?” and “I have never been eloquent. . .I am slow of speech” and the one that finally earns God’s anger, “O Lord, please send someone else to do it.” I don’t know about you, but I’ve been there. I can’t count the number of times I’ve felt the Lord ask me to do something and I’ve answered with excuse after excuse. And like Moses, many of them were rooted in insecurity linked to past experience or sin.

When Moses reacted to his calling with, “What if they do not believe me or listen to me?” I’m thinking he might have been remembering the last experience he had with the Hebrews. They had confronted him with his sin and he had run. Maybe he thought that he had lost any sort of respect among them. God’s response to his question is curious. God answers Moses’ question with one of His own. “What is that in your hand?” I can picture Moses glancing at his hand and saying flatly, “Uh. A staff.” The rest of the dialogue I will present verbatim so that you can picture it yourself.

“A staff, “ he replied. The LORD said, “Throw it on the ground.” Moses threw it on the ground and it became a snake and he ran from it. Then the LORD said to him, “Reach out your hand and take it by the tail.” So Moses reached out and took hold of the snake and it turned back into a staff in his hand. “This,” said the LORD, “is so that they may believe that the LORD the God of their fathers—the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob—has appeared to you.” Exodus 4: 2-5

Why did Moses have a staff? Because he was a shepherd. And why was he a shepherd? It was the career he had taken up as he was running from a sinful past. Funny, the staff that he acquired as a direct result of his past sin became the object that God used to glorify Himself. How many times have we ruminated on and regretted our pasts as God was saying to us, “Child, you are forgiven of all of that. And I’m going to use it for My glory!” The former events and actions that cause us pain to remember are the very ones that God wants to use to show the world how loving and powerful He is.

He wants to use what we are running from.

Interestingly, Moses’ staff was later referred to as “the staff of God”. It was wholly surrendered to God and used to split the sea, bring water from a rock, and produce a prayer-induced battle victory for Israel. What if Moses would have let his insecurity keep him from doing what God had asked him to do? Amongst a myriad of other possibilities, he would have missed out of being one of the most powerful and effective leaders of the Christian faith. He led a nation out of slavery. An entire nation.

How is God wanting to use your past to affect the world around you? To get you thinking, I’ll give you one example from my life. He is using my past college-aged rebellion to fuel a passion to pour into high school kids. I want to equip these girls for the faith-challenging life they will enter upon stepping foot on a college campus so that they don’t do what I did. What is it for you? What pain will you let God turn into ministry? You may not lead a whole nation out of slavery, but you’ll surely help bring about freedom in your friends, families, and coworkers. And, who knows? Maybe leading a nation is in your future. . .after all, nothing is impossible for God.

I have more thoughts on Moses, but I’ll save them for next week. Can’t wait! Love ya’, girls!

Father, thank you that you work everything for the good of those who love you. Thank you that we don’t have to be bogged down with guilt over our pasts. Help us to accept your forgiveness and be vulnerable enough to let you use our former failures for your glory. We love you. Amen